The Book Of Austria

My wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this month.  To mark the occasion, we treated ourselves to a weekend getaway in picturesque Niagara On The Lake, Ontario where we stayed in a charming bed and breakfast called Cecile's House.  Our accommodations were both comfortable and elegant.  The large house was built circa 1840 and decorated in a stylish French Provincial style. Our host was a former chef, complete with a charming "Pepé LePew" French accent, who had a particular gift for attention to detail.

In our room, on the night table next to my side of the bed, was a musty-looking hard-cover book, probably meant more as a decoration than a remedy for guest boredom, entitled "The Book of Austria".  The book captured my attention for two reasons; firstly because of the seeming incongruity of its subject matter amidst otherwise French surroundings, and secondly because I happen to be a native-born Austrian.  It was almost as if our host had some sort of sixth sense where his guests were concerned and placed it there specifically for my benefit.

Intrigued, I picked up the book and began leafing through it.  It was published in 1948, shortly after the war, by the "Österreichische Staatsdruckerei" (Austrian State Printing and Publication House) in Vienna.  After only a brief perusal, I was so taken by the book that I immediately set about Googling it on my return home, and I quickly found an on-line vendor that offered a copy, in very good condition, at a reasonable price.  I wasted no time in ordering it.

The book is full of interesting facts about Austria; its history, its geography, its culture and its people.  The very first chapter begins thus:

"He who would find Austria on the globe must turn the round ball of the Earth slowly on its slanting axis, otherwise he might easily overlook the Austria of the 20th century."

In truth, Austria today is a fairly small country.  Its entire geographical area would fit neatly into Lake Superior.  Politically, its global influence is negligible today.  Yet, in not-so-distant historical times, during the era of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, its geographical boundaries were considerably larger, and both its political and cultural influences notably stronger.  Even after the collapse of the Austro-Hungarian Empire seemingly unimposing Austria had a role to play in the outbreak of yet a second world war.  Adolf Hitler, who forced the world to go to war for a second time was, in fact, Austrian by birth.

The Book of Austria pays homage to what the country was and what it is today (or, at least, to what it was in 1948), including:

The Geography of Austria:  Small as it is, Austria is further divided into nine provinces.  From the cosmopolitan Vienna, which is considered both a city and a province simultaneously, to mountainous Tyrol, home of Innsbruck, one of the world's skiing Meccas, Austria exhibits an astonishing diversity for so small a geographic region.  Styria, the province in which I was born, is poetically described in a word-palette that illustrates something akin to a merger of J.R.R. Tolkien's woodland elves and mountain dwarves:

The Music of Austria:  During the 19th century, Vienna was, for a time, considered the music capital of the world.  Some of the world's most renowned classical composers, including Haydn, Mozart, Schubert and Strauss were Austrian.  Several other classical composers, while not native-born Austrians, were nonetheless strongly influenced by Austrian music, such as Ludwig Van Beethoven, who studied under Mozart.  The Christmas Hymn "Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht" (Silent Night, Holy Night) was written by Franz Gruber and Joseph Mohr, both Austrian.  According to The Book of Austria, "Vienna in the Biedermeier Age," the period during which art and music were enjoyed by the middle class as opposed to being the sole purview of the aristocracy, "had found its most perfect form of expression" in its music.  Today, musical societies and organizations remain in Austria which were established for the purpose of encouraging music in all its branches, including the "Gesellschaft der Muiskfreunde" (Society of the Friends of Music), the world-famous "Wiener Sängerknaben" (Vienna Boys' Choir) and the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra.

The Karlskirche, Vienna

Austrian Culture:  One chapter in The Book of Austria discusses Austrian Baroque.  In the words of the author: "If you wish truly to understand and to appreciate this curious country, to unravel the living mystery which is Austria, you must learn how to experience the most intimate and most glorious manifestation of her spirit, as it exists in legend and song, in literature and painting, in architecture and in the great festivals of the country.  It is in our Baroque that you must seek it."  I've visited Vienna twice in my lifetime, and both times I was struck by the gothic architecture, the ancient churches and buildings, festooned with gargoyles and friezes.  Everything in Vienna seems to be presented with a certain flourish.  North American architecture, by comparison, seems bland and soulless.

Austrian People:  The Book of Austria describes Austria as being, in a sense, "the first attempt to create a European citizen - a world-citizen.  What is elsewhere so often but a vague longing, an illusion, or the unrealised dream of isolated individuals, has long been anchored in Austria among a wide circle of people."  The "typical" Austrian is described an an "everyman" who feels "mysteriously at home in another world which lies beyond their fellow citizens ... We may consider this will and this ability to live humanly among other human beings as the call of Austria to the whole world."  The typical Austrian, declares the book, "has a passion for 'wandern' - for hiking - deeply engrained within him. His mouth demands to breathe in the air of the great mountains, his foot the soft carpet of mossy slopes and his eye continual change, now drinking in the green of near-by forests, now reaching out to the distant lines which the silent horizon has etched against the bright sunshine."  I can personally attest to this.  Some years ago, I visited the beautiful Banff national park in my adopted homeland of Canada. Even though I had left Austria at the tender age of three and consider myself to be fully Canadian, yet as I hiked along a mountain trail overlooking Lake Louise, I felt a profound sense of well-being, like I had come home.  Perhaps this is why so many Austrians who have immigrated to Canada have settled in British Columbia.  With its towering mountains and its lush woodland, British Columbia is extremely reminiscent of Austria's Styria province.

In the book's forward, the author states "In contrast to other books, the Book of Austria does not wait until you encounter it by chance.  It comes to you, approaches you in word and picture - and in many another way."  I must admit, it certainly found me.

Reform or Punishment?

I recently came across one of those news articles that's simultaneously funny and thought-provoking.  It's about a man by the name of Cornealious Anderson who was convicted of armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri back in 2000 and sentenced to 13 years in jail.  Well, it's now 2014, so my keen mathematical skills tell me that he should be out by now, right?  Half-right.  He's out alright.  In fact, he never went in.

It seems that, at his sentencing, Mr. Anderson was sent home and told to await instructions as to where and when to report for his incarceration.  So he went home, undoubtedly in a bit of a funk, said his good-byes to whatever friends and family he had, called the boss and told him that he wouldn't be in to work for the next 13 years or so, and waited...

A day passed.  A week.  Two weeks.  A month...  and no police officer ever appeared at Anderson's doorstep nor did anyone ever call him on the phone to tell him when and where to report for prison.

Eventually, Anderson got tired of sitting around watching daytime soaps and Opra, waiting for the phone to ring, so he learned a new trade, started a business, met a nice girl, got married and fathered a daughter.  He did not make any attempt to leave the county, change his name or otherwise conceal his identity and he definitely did not return to his former criminal ways.  His brush with the law had scared him straight.  He paid his taxes, registered a small business, renewed his driver's licence as needed and, when he was pulled over for a couple of minor traffic violations, gave the officer his correct name and address.  Nothing in the system ever flagged him as being a convict who was somewhat overdue for incarceration.

Until last year.  Ironically, at just about the time that Anderson would have been released from prison (not taking good behavior into account), the Missouri Department of Corrections discovered the clerical error that had kept Anderson out of jail all these years.  The news article that I read doesn't explain how they discovered the error, but I have to suspect it probably had something to do with some computer read-out announcing that it was time to let Cornealious Anderson go, and only then did the law discover that he had never been locked up anywhere to be let go from.

In any case, when they discovered the error, the Missouri law enforcement community, no doubt somewhat embarrassed by the oversight, decided that "better late than never" is a valid policy where incarceration is concerned, and belatedly sent Anderson his instructions as to when and where to report for prison.  In fact, just to ensure he received the message, they sent a SWAT team to deliver it.

As Anderson tells it, there he was one fine Wednesday morning in July of 2013, feeding his three-year-old daughter breakfast and otherwise minding his own business, when a number of very stern-looking men sporting automatic weapons knocked rather insistently on his door.

It should be pointed out here that Cornealious Anderson never committed any acts of violence.  To be sure, he threatened to when he held up a Burger King restaurant with a BB gun in August of 1999, but the assistant manager there wisely decided to hand over the cash without a struggle and no-one was hurt.  In any case, over the 13 years that ensued, it appears that Anderson has clearly demonstrated that he has mended his ways and has become a law-abiding, tax-paying citizen.  As such, he and his lawyer, Patrick Megaro, argue that incarceration at this point serves no purpose.  Unfortunately, the American Statute of Limitations wasn't quite designed to handle this particular situation.

Asked why he didn't turn himself in, Anderson explains that he just figured that the law didn't care about him any more.  Besides, I have to wonder what, exactly, the law expects a man in this situation to do.  Can you imagine the phone call?  "Hello, Missouri Department of Corrections?  Yeah, my name is Cornealious Anderson.  I was convicted of armed robbery about a month ago and someone was supposed to tell me where to report for jail, but I... what?  Sure, I'll hold..."

The Missouri Attorney General argues that the state is justified in requiring Anderson to serve his full sentence after all this time, and I have no doubt that there are those who would agree.  He committed a crime, he was duly convicted and he has not yet paid the penalty.  But here we have to ask ourselves what is the purpose of prison?  Is it to reform or to punish, or is it both?  If the purpose of prison is to reform, then incarceration is completely unnecessary in this case.  The former criminal has clearly been reformed.  In fact, it might be argued that locking the man up now, taking him from his family and his job and throwing him in amongst a community of hardened criminals only creates the risk of turning him back into a criminal.

If, on the other hand, the purpose of prison is to punish, then I suppose it can be argued that Anderson has not been duly punished for his crime.  I'm not sure exactly what purpose punishing him serves at this point.  Perhaps someone should find the assistant manager of that Burger King that Anderson held up and ask him what he thinks should be done.

Darth Vader's Suit

I recently found myself watching Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith in which Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader and is first given the infamous suit after his unfortunate butt-kicking at the hands of Obi-wan Kenobi, and I found myself wondering how it was that Palpatine happened to have the Vader suit conveniently ready.  I mean, the suit looks like a pretty impressive bit of technology so it wasn't something that was likely slapped together in a couple of hours, yet Vader couldn't really afford to wait a long time for the Imperial techs to design and build a life support system, so I have to assume that it was already available.

It's unlikely that Vader's suit was standard issue and that the Empire kept a supply of them ready in case of emergency because it appears to be very much one of a kind.  We never see any others like it, so it was almost certainly a prototype, and most likely a less than successful one at that, since it doesn't appear that any more of them were ever made.  Or maybe the other Sith Lords were just better lightsaber duelists than Vader, so only one was ever needed.

Which brings us back to the question of how it was that this one-of-a-kind prototype life-sustaining suit happened to be conveniently ready just when Vader needed it.  Maybe after seeing Darth Maul get bisected earlier (again by that troublesome Kenobi guy) Palpatine said to himself "I lose more apprentices that way.  I should really come up with some sort of life-sustaining suit for the next time this happens".  A nice bit of pro-active planning although, had he asked me, I might have suggested he simply try converting Kenobi over to the dark side in which case there might have been no need for the suit.

I wonder how long it took Vader to learn to use the suit.  I mean, look at all the buttons and lights on the chest panel and belt alone!  How do you know what they're all for?  Did the suit come with a user manual? If so, and if Imperial user manuals are anything like the ones we're familiar with, it might have read something like this:

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Congratulations on choosing the E-3778Q-1 mobile life-support system.  Please read this manual carefully and follow all instructions to ensure years of trouble-free life support, armor protection and physical enhancement.

CARE AND CLEANING

The E-3778Q-1 helmet and face mask are made from the finest durasteel, obsidian and plasteel components and are highly resistant to dents, scuffs, scratches and water spots.  To preserve the fine woodoo hide lustre, we recommend polishing the surface with a soft, lint-free, Wookie hair cloth treated with bantha oil as needed.

Caution: Avoid exposing the transparisteel eyepiece lenses to bantha oil, as this may cause them to become clouded, impairing vision.  Remove the helmet and face mask for cleaning only within the confines of a Qabbrat meditation chamber (available separately), as life support functions become inoperative when either is removed.

To remove burn or scar tissue from internal suit components, we suggest gently sponging soiled components with Jawa cloth moistened with warm water.  BE SURE TO DEACTIVATE ANY AND ALL ELECTRONIC COMPONENTS BEFORE APPLYING MOISTURE, AND THOROUGHLY DRY BEFORE REACTIVATING.

BATTERY CARE AND REPLACEMENT

Your E-3778Q-1 is powered by four rechargeable Kovordian battery packs.  The right eyepiece HUD includes an indicator showing the status of packs 1 and 3 and the left eyepiece HUD includes a similar indicator showing the status of packs 2 and 4.  When either battery bar falls to the RECHARGE indicator and changes from yellow to orange, it is time to recharge the batteries.

Caution:  Do not engage in combat or excessive physical activity when either battery indicator is RED.  If the indicators reaches this status, batteries should be recharged at the earliest opportunity; immediately if possible.

When the battery charge indicator no longer reaches FULL, even after hours of charging, it is time to replace the battery packs.  Replacement packs are available at your local Imperial supply depot.  DO NOT INCINERATE OR DISCARD USED BATTERY PACKS BY PLACING THEM IN A TRASH COMPACTOR.  Used battery packs should be returned to an authorized disposal facility.

PART 1 - OPERATION

A) BREATH MASK

The E-3778Q-1 breath mask is designed to deliver nominal oxygen flow while maintaining environmental integrity and comfort, even in extreme environmental conditions.  The two mandibular atmospheric sensors automatically analyze gases and micro particulates in the immediate vicinity, filtering out harmful emissions and purifying breathable gases. The olfactory sensors can be conveniently deactivated in proximity to bantha poodoo and similar harmless, but unpleasant, odors.

An enunciator linked to an electronic voice processor facilitates verbal communication.  Vocal timbre, pitch and inflection can be adjusted to achieve the desired cadence. VoicePak add-ins are also available, enabling you to emulate the voices of any of several popular Imperial celebrities including Darth Maul, Darth Tyranus, Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones.

Please Note:  Owing to the face mask's life-sustaining respiratory functions, a certain amount of respiratory overlay with the vocal unit is unavoidable and normal.  Please do not call Technical Support regarding this issue.  Our Imperial designers are working to eliminate this artifact in future revisions of the suit.

B) CONTROL PANEL

The control panel positioned over the solar plexus contains controls for regulating respiratory, cardiopulmonary and neural functions.  Take time to learn the various controls and exercise caution so as not to confuse them as doing so can result in unpredictable behavior on the part of the suit and/or the wearer.

The blue switch activates the suit's auto control functions.  Use the red switch for manual override.  The rightmost switch, located at the bottom, is the system reset switch.  Avoid crowded spaces in order to prevent controls from being inadvertently tripped when brushing against others.

The data slots accept RepMed wafers for treating illness and injury, as well as delivering more recreational pharmaceutical substances, as desired.

The control panel also doubles as a universal remote control device, enabling you to activate and operate electronic components at a distance without expending valuable Force powers.

C) BELT

The belt contains secondary controls that provide redundancy for the control panel.  It also features a magnetic clasp which keeps the plastisteel briefs in place.

The EVAC 1 button causes the door in the codpiece to slide up in order to facilitate expulsion of urinary waste.  The EVAC 2 button serves a similar function for the rear door.  Be sure to remove the ornamental cape before activating the EVAC 2 button.

D) GLOVES

The gloves are made from a Micronized Mandalorian iron weave which is designed to protect against glancing lightsaber blows and, theoretically, can even deflect blaster bolts.  We highly discourage using them in this manner, however, as it requires unusual speed and dexterity to successfully intercept blaster fire with one's hands.

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There would be more, of course, but I won't bore you with the full manual.  Besides, let's be honest - nobody ever reads those things anyway; not even Darth Vader.

Canada: Land of the Rolling Rims

It's mid February in Canada, and that means that we Canadians are at the start of that special time of year that transcends the boundaries of race, creed and colour and unites us all by virtue of that one unbreakable bond that all Canadians share.  Yes, tomorrow marks the dawn of Canada's annual Roll Up the Rim season.

For any non-Canadians who may stumble upon this post and scratch their heads, wondering just what exactly a "Roll Up the Rim" season is, allow me to explain.  Roll Up the Rim is a contest, of sorts, held by Tim Horton's, a Canadian donut franchise, which begins every year around mid February (the contest, not the franchise).  It's affectionately known as "Rrrroll Up the Rrrrim", owing to a long-running advertising campaign in which some guy with a really bad fake Scottish accent makes a point of really rrrolling those "Rrrrr's" every time he says the contest name, although neither the contest, Tim Horton's nor Canada itself (excepting the province of Nova Scotia) are in any way Scot-related.

Roll Up the Rim gets its name from the paper cups in which Tim Horton's coffee is served.  Their rims are rolled up into a rounded lip.  During Roll Up the Rim, Tim Horton's patrons are given special cups which may or may not have a prize hidden under that rolled-up paper lip.  Roll Up the Rim cups are marked with a brightly-coloured arrow that indicates roughly what part of the paper lip the alleged prize may or may not be hiding under although, in my experience, the arrow is a wide approximation at best.  The contest runs until the end of April, or until the prize cups run out; whichever comes first.  In fact, around mid April, Canadians are known to drive hundreds of miles out of their way, looking for those last few Tim Horton's restaurants that still have Roll Up the Rim cups.

Each year, hundreds of thousands of eager Canadians, having finished their coffees or teas, eagerly roll up the paper rim of their cups in the place indicated by the arrow, hoping to find one of several fabulous prizes which could include an SUV, a gas grille, a laptop computer, money, Tim Horton's gift cards or, more likely, maybe a free coffee or donut or, the most prolific of the prizes, the ubiquitous "Please Play Again" (or, for those who didn't quite interpret the yellow arrow correctly, "...ay Again").  Just how Tim Horton's manages to hide an entire SUV inside a rolled-up paper rim is a carefully-guarded technology secret, right up there with how Cadbury gets the caramel inside their Caramilk bars.

Non-Canadians may understandably wonder why all the fuss over a silly contest.  To tell you the truth, I've often wondered myself.  I personally have never known anyone, even indirectly, who has won a prize of any significance and the paper rims aren't exactly easy to roll up with your thumbs.  A lot of people use their teeth and it's for this reason that Tim Horton's employees aren't even allowed to handle the prize-winning rims when customers redeems them.  Instead, they present a plastic container for the customer to drop (or possibly spit) the paper fragment into.

But I don't exaggerate when I say that Roll Up the Rim has become a cultural phenomenon.  Sure, lots of franchises have lots of different contests, offering lots of different prizes, but Roll Up the Rim is the only one I've seen that has people comparing their winnings around the office water cooler on a daily basis, and even has radio DJ's publicly keeping score on the air of who among them has won the most free coffees so far. The elated reactions I've seen coming from people who have managed to win a free coffee or donut are hardly justified by the prize.  The only comparable phenomenon that I can think of is the jubilation of lottery ticket purchasers who win nothing more than a free ticket; in other words, second opportunity not to win anything.

The Roll Up the Rim phenomenon seems to me an extension of that of the Tim Horton's franchise, which is a Canadian cultural icon in itself.  As a franchise, "Timmy's" enjoys a love affair with Canadians that simply can't be explained logically.  They make a good cup of coffee, although some of their competitors are offering serious contenders in the java department.  Their prices are more or less the same as those of their competitors, except for maybe Starbuck's which appears to cater to those who just don't feel right if they pay less than five bucks for a cup of coffee (Williams is the Canadian answer to that particular franchise). Tim Hortons' flat, plastic coffee lids have been criticized as being loose-fitting and prone to spills, yet they (Tim Horton's) steadfastly refuse to adopt a more spill-proof design.  Although the franchise has tried to expand into the United States, they've never been able to attract the kind of customer loyalty that they see in Canada even though the American franchises offer exactly the same product that the Canadian ones do, all of which reinforces my opinion that Canadians' loyalty to Tim Horton's is culturally driven.

Some years back, when the American donut franchise, Dunkin' Donuts, expanded into Canada, Tim Horton's actually worried enough about the new competition to adopt their box format. The low, wide Dunkin' Donuts box plagiarism that serves as the standard Tim Horton's twelve-donut container today was preceded by a shorter, deeper, shoe-box shaped compartment in which the donuts were lined up on their sides in two rows of six.  They needn't have worried.  The astoundingly apathetic Canadian reaction to the Dunkin' Donuts "invasion" resulted in most of the franchises being torn down as quickly as they were erected. I haven't seen that kind of American butt-kicking by Canadians since we went down there and set the White House on fire back in 1814.  It would be enough to bring a patriotic tear to my eye, if it weren't for the fact that, like most "Canadian" icons, the Tim Horton's franchise is owned by Americans anyway.  But let's not split hairs, eh?

Why I Hate Neil Pasricha

Ask anybody who knows me and they'll tell you; I'm a nice guy.  I have no enemies.  I give people the benefit of the doubt, almost to a fault, and I tend to assume the best about everybody.  So why should I hate Neil Pasricha; a man whom I've never met and who has certainly never bothered, inconvenienced, negatively affected, or even thought about me in any way?  I'll tell you why.  The Book of Awesome, that's why!

Some time ago, I was minding my own business, shopping for groceries, and I found myself in the section of the grocery store where they keep the books, magazines and greeting cards.  Not looking for anything in particular, I was just browsing the various covers and titles when suddenly this black, hard-cover book entitled The Book Of AWESOME in rainbow-colored lettering caught my attention.  I quickly scanned the write-up on the back cover and the inner cover jacket and discovered that this is apparently a book that celebrates the myriad of small, simple pleasures that we encounter almost every day but that most of us don't even notice; the smell of fresh baked goods, peeling that thin, transparent, protective cover off new electronic equipment such as a cell phone or a TV remote, pushing in the little bubbles that are supposed to identify what's inside those soft drink cups that you get from fast food places but which never seem to be pushed in ... stuff like that.  The idea of the book appealed to me because I love things which accentuate the positive; goodness knows we hear enough negativity day after day, so I bought a copy.

You have to like the style and format of the book.  Each "chapter", if you could call it that, begins with a title that celebrates some little pleasure, like putting on a warm pair of undies fresh from the dryer, or waking up and realizing it's Saturday, or remembering what movie "that guy" is from.  Then there's a short write-up explaining why the author, Neil Pasricha, thinks that the thing in question is so great (it's not always self-evident, such as the chapter about your colon), and it always ends with a single word; AWESOME! 

Most of the chapters are pretty short, often just a page or less.  The shortest I've encountered was entitled "When you push the button for the elevator and it's already there".  This chapter was exactly two words long:

Ding!

     AWESOME!

The reason why I put quotes around the word "chapter" before is because the book itself was inspired by a blog, also by Neil Pasricha, called 1000awesomethings.com, so each "chapter" is really more of a "post", actually.  According to Wikipedia, the blog was born on June 20, 2008; just about 4 months before I started this blog.  In that time, 1000awesomethings.com has pulled in ... well, just a few more visitors than The Halmanator.  And it lead to not just one, but two book deals!  Yes, there is now a second book called The Book Of (Even More) Awesome. My daughter, who apparently delights in rubbing her father's nose in his inadequacies, made a point of getting me the second book last Father's Day.  I think the accompanying card said something like "You're okay too, for an unimportant nobody" (Okay,  it didn't actually say that, but I'm sure it was there between the lines!) 

The Book of Awesome was a New York Times bestseller and was the number one international best seller for over 140 weeks and was translated into Dutch, Korean, German, French and Portuguese (what, not Swahili???)  Nobody ever offered me a book deal!  Harrumph!

And that's why I hate Neil Pasricha; because he has accomplished what I can only dream of accomplishing, and he probably never even had any such ambitions.  Heck, he probably started the whole thing just as a lark.  The only thing worse than people who realize your own wildest ambitions are those who do it without even trying!  He`s like the Mozart to my Salieri!  Every time I either read The Book Of Awesome or visit 1000awesomethings.com I get a severe case of "Warumistmirsoetwasnichteingefallen".  That's a German word (that I just made up), something along the lines of "Schadenfreude", except it means "Why didn't I think of that???"

I've toyed with the idea of maybe cashing in by spoofing Pasricha's work.  I could start a blog of my own called 1000bogusthings.com.  Every day I could write about something that sucks.  How about this:

When you're tying your shoes and you`re already late and your shoelace busts

Snap!

     BOGUS! 

Eh???  Eh???  Maybe it could catch on!  Maybe I could write a book of my own called The Book Of BOGUS.

Nah, it wouldn`t work.  See, the reason why Pasricha's blog caught on so big is precisely because it's so positive.  It gently opens an umbrella over the reader to shield them from the torrent of negativity that seems to rain down upon us from the commercial media every single day and it urges us to take pleasure in the little things.  It's precisely the kind of light-hearted, "feel good" writing to which The Halmanator aspires, only with money and success attached to it. 

And I have to admire the writing style too.  Pasricha comes across as one of those easy-going, down-to-earth, "I'm okay, you're okay" kind of guys. When writing about those drink cup lids, he explains that "we..." (meaning he and his sister, when they were kids) "...thought there was a big Garbage Survey at the end of the day and every customer had to punch their button to send in feedback.  We figured some poor sap stuck his arm shoulder-deep in that bag of lettuce scraps drenched in Big Mac sauce, hollow ice cream cone bottoms, and greasy French fry containers and pulled out all the cup lids.  We imagined he arranged them in tipsy, drippy piles and counted how many sold that day, adding the results up on a clipboard and calling them into the head office so they knew how many batches to make for tomorrow.

You see what I mean?  That paragraph right there probably brought a bigger smile to your face than anything I've written in this post so far, didn't it?  DIDN'T IT???  You probably even chuckled knowingly, didn't you?

But, all kidding aside, I don't really hate you Neil.  Actually, I think you're kind of...

AWESOME! (c) (R) (tm)

Hands Off Bruce Willis!

This is Bruce Willis...

...and this is Bruce Willis...

...and so is this...

Bruce Willis is one of those fundamental constants in life that we guys can depend upon.  He's tough.  He's macho.  He's cool.  He's witty.  He's like Sylvester Stallone with the ability to enunciate.  When the boss has been riding your ass all day, when the wife has booked your weekend looking at paint swatches and visiting with her parents, when the kids insist you take them on a road trip to the local Chuck E. Cheese's, when you're feeling more emasculated than Michael Keaton as Mr. Mom, you can always count on a Bruce Willis flick to man you back up with an invigorating shot of testosterone.  "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf....!"

So what on God's green earth is this abomination???

Imagine my dismay upon finding this affront to manhood in a DVD bargain bin recently!  Bruce Willis in a chick flick?  Really?  Is nothing sacred anymore?

Let's get something straight, ladies, Bruce Willis is off-limits!  He belongs to us guys!  We don't mess with your chick flick favourites.  You don't see titles like Fists of Fury starring Kate Hudson.  You'll never see Drew Barrymore in a car chase, steering with one hand while firing a 9mm Glock out the window with the other.  Anne Hathaway doesn't dress up in black tights and lay out bad ass thugs with roundhouse kicks...   oh, wait...

Okay, so Hathaway was Catwoman and Bruce Willis did a chick flick.  Let's call it even.  But from here on, ladies, HANDS OFF BRUCE WILLIS!

And, yes, I realize that Michelle Pfeiffer also played Catwoman, but she doesn't count.  She still did "girl" stuff like sew her own costume and use her whip as a jump rope for crying out loud!

 

A Bargoon!

Graphic borrowed from the Illegally Blonde
blog, because I can't draw this well

Like many people, I occasionally "Google" myself, just to see what's out there about me or what people or things might exist that are completely unrelated to me but happen to share my name, or a similar name.  But I don't just "Google" my real name.  I also sometimes "Google" the word "Halmanator".  Of course, this invariably leads to lots of links right back to this blog, but sometimes it also shows me interesting references. 

That's how I learned that there's another Halmanator out there who has nothing whatsoever to do with me or this blog.  I've also been flattered to occasionally find other web pages and blogs that reference or link to this blog.  One, for example, provided a link to my post about courtroom sketch artists along with a comment that they had often wondered why courtrooms use sketch artists as opposed to photographers, and that my post provided a fresh and unusual take on the subject.  Well, as I commented in my inaugural post, fresh and unusual takes is what this blog is all about.

A recent "Google" on the word "Halmanator" turned up a reference to this blog that somewhat amused me.  It lead me to a site called URLmetrics, which apparently catalogues web sites, compiles statistics about them and attaches a dollar value to them.

According to URLmetrics, this blog is ranked number 8,268,383^* in the United States (WOO-HOO!!!  I'm in the top ten million!)  Less than 300 people per month visit or view this blog (but you're definitely a part of an intellectually enlightened minority, my friend). 

What amused me most, though, is that URLmetrics values this blog at $569.13^*.  Doing a little math, this blog currently consists of 160 posts (including this one).  569.13 ÷ 160 = $3.56 so each and every post is worth exactly $3.56 and ... here's the cool part ... you get to read each and every one of them absolutely for free!  And, as I have categorically stated before, there never have been, nor will there ever be, any ads on this blog.  My purpose is to entertain and enlighten, not to shill.  It's just a little service that I selflessly provide, because that's just the kind of community-minded guy I am.

^* At the time that I viewed the site.  Remember that these are stats, and therefore prone to change.