Parkinson's Update

It's been over a year and a half since I wrote in this blog about having been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.  I had said, at the time, that I didn't intend to turn this blog into a "Parkinson's blog" and, true to my word, I haven't dwelt upon the subject (as the virtual hecklers in the audience point out that I haven't dwelt upon or even written about very many subjects at all!  Well, this post may over-compensate for my reduced verbiage of late.  All I can say is, you asked for it!)

Well, more than a year and a half has gone by, so I thought perhaps my regular readers (both of them!) might like an update, so here it is.

Overall, my condition has stabilized somewhat, although there has been some notable deterioration.  While I never kept track of my typing speed in words per minute, I'm certain that it has slowed somewhat.  I unintentionally type a lot more double letters than I used to and my fingers just don't move as quickly and gracefully over the keyboard as they once did.  For a computer programmer who has been touch typing throughout his career and even before then (I did take a typing class in high school), this has been noticeable.

Related to the typing problem, my use of computer mice has developed an irritating problem as well.  I'm constantly clicking my right mouse button unintentionally.  I tend to rest my right ring finger on the right mouse button as I move my cursor around the screen, but that finger has developed a tendency to twitch, or to rest on that right mouse button just a bit too heavily.  Most computer users will understand that right-clicking one's mouse is often used for alternate functions such as popping up menus or cancelling commands, which means that I often end up doing things that I absolutely did not intend to do.  Thank heavens for the undo function!

While I've always had a slight tendency to stutter or stammer somewhat, this seems to be getting worse as well.  Speech impediment is another common Parkinson's affliction.  In my case, I think it's a combination of a reduction in the ability to coordinate my mouth and tongue movements, as well as an increased tendency to grope for words that used to be at the tip of my tongue.  Sadly, Parkinson's can affect cognitive functions as well.  I'm hoping that isn't the case with me (hey, we all have trouble thinking of words from time to time, especially as we get older).  Interestingly, I've had very little trouble formulating this blog post which suggests that it may be more my mental speed that's been affected rather than my mental capacity.  Sitting here, typing, I have more time to compose my thoughts and form them into sentences than I would if I were speaking off the cuff.

Perhaps most annoyingly, that embarrassing symptom of uncontrolled drooling that I'd mentioned in my original post about Parkinson's has worsened.  This is a common Parkinson's affectation, medically referred to as sialorrhea.  See, everyone's mouth constantly generates a certain amount of saliva, even when we're not eating, and most of us just swallow it automatically without even being consciously aware of doing so (yes, that includes you.  Have I grossed you out?)  Parkinson's can interfere with automatic reflexes like this so, in my case, if I don't make a conscious effort to swallow my saliva every so often (sounds even more gross, doesn't it?) it runs out of the right side of my mouth.  The problem worsens when I'm focused on a task (like doing my job at work) and not paying attention to what's happening in my mouth.  This can be embarrassing even if no-one actually sees it happen, because the saliva tends to land on my shirt and leave faint rivulets and trails as it dries.  I've actually started preferring to wear shirts with fabrics and patterns that don't show these as clearly as others.  I must say, the medical establishment hasn't helped by giving the condition an embarrassing sounding name.  Quick, what other medical conditions can  you think of that end with "...orrhea"?  I can think of two, right off the top of my head, and neither is usually mentioned in polite company.

My neurologist has suggested a few remedies for this.  First she prescribed a medication called Cuvposa.  This is a liquid, originally intended for people afflicted with cerebral palsy, which reduces or eliminates drooling by inhibiting the production of saliva.  Trouble is, it apparently inhibits the production of all sorts of bodily fluids.  Just a few of the long list of potential side effects include constipation, bodily heating (because the sweat glands stop working), dry mouth, nasal congestion, headache, vomiting and shallow, rapid breathing.  In short, Cuvposa dehydrates the person taking it!  I quickly decided that the side effects were likely to be worse than the drooling, and rejected that option without even trying it.  I filled the prescription, but the bottle sits, untouched, in the medicine cabinet.  

Because I did fill the prescription, I also learned that a 473 ml bottle of the stuff costs $700!  No, you did not misread that.  Seven hundred! That's an expensive way to dehydrate myself.  Fortunately, the cost was covered by my employer's medical plan, but it does have a yearly limit and, at $700 a bottle, it wouldn't take me long to get there.  This smacks of a drug company that's recouping the cost of making a medication that has a low sales volume on the backs of those few people who require it and therefore have no choice.  Jeers to Merz (makers of Cuvposa).

The second thing that my neurologist recommended was a nasal spray called Ipravent.  This is intended to stop a runny nose but I guess my neurologist reasoned that if it reduces nasal mucous, it might also reduce saliva as well.  I was directed to spray it under my tongue rather than into my nostrils.  I agreed to try that and I can report that I've not had any undesirable side effects, nor any desirable ones, such as reduced drooling.  It simply doesn't seem to work.

The third option suggested by my neurologist was Botox injections into or near the glands that produce saliva.  I guess the idea is that Botox can reduce the flow of saliva by puffing up the saliva ducts in the same way that it reduces wrinkles by puffing up the skin.  I read up on it.  It has been shown to be effective and seems a low-risk option which can always be reversed by simply stopping the Botox injections (which need to be repeated every three to six months).  I'm considering trying that.

So, how have I been managing my Parkinson's, you may wonder?  Well, I regularly take levocarb, which is the go-to medication for Parkinson's.  That helps to mask the symptoms by giving my brain an infusion of the dopamine that it seems incapable of creating in sufficient quantities on its own.

More interestingly, I've been referred to an organization called CARESPACE Health & Wellness where I've enrolled in a special exercise program for Parkinson's sufferers called PD SAFEx.

CARESPACE is a privately run organization which offers programs to improve both health and wellness  with the help of physiotherapists, kinesiologists, chiropractors, dieticians and psychologists, to name but a few.  It's not exclusively for Parkinson's sufferers but it is run by Dr. Quincy Almeida, who has specialized in the study and treatment of Parkinson's for several years, and who developed the PD SAFEx program.

PD SAFEx is a twelve week program designed to slow the progression of Parkinson's disease through the use of physical exercises aimed at retraining the brain to correctly interpret the sometimes distorted feedback that it receives from the body's proprioceptors.

Proprioceptors are sensory receptors that provide the brain with feedback about what the body is doing, including where everything is positioned in space, what muscles are in use, what parts of the body are moving and how they are moving.  Dr. Quincy's theory is that the central problem with Parkinson's is the brain's inability to correctly interpret the information that it's getting from the proprioceptors.  

This has caused Dr. Quincy to see Parkinson's in a different light from that of the traditional medical establishment.  For example, he doesn't see a trembling hand, one of the most common indicators of Parkinson's disease, as a "symptom" but, rather, a coping mechanism that the brain is using to counter a lack of feedback.  With Parkinson's, the brain is unable to determine the hand's position in space, so it sends out signals that cause the hand to tremble (sort of the brain's way of asking the hand "where are you?")  This trembling strengthens the feedback signals sent by the proprioceptors until the brain says "Ah!  There you are!"

The exercises in the PD SAFEx program are designed to teach the brain what feedback to expect in response to specific movements and thus improve bodily control as well as reducing the need for over-compensation strategy such as tremors.

So, for the TL;DR version (which, admittedly, I should perhaps have given at the beginning of this post), I've accepted Parkinson's as a permanent part of my life.  I'm learning to cope with the symptoms as best I can, while working to control or reduce them wherever possible.  I do feel that fate has led me to the right professionals who are helping me to succeed in this.

I'll close with a special shout-out to Dr. Quincy Almeida who, besides being extremely knowledgeable about Parkinson's disease and empathetic to those living with it, seems to be just a nice guy in general.

ChatGPT

I've been hearing and reading a lot lately about a new artificial intelligence (A.I.) algorithm called "ChatGPT".  ChatGPT is a "chat bot"; a computer program with which it is possible to interact using plain English sentences, just as if you were talking to a person.  You can ask it questions and it will try to answer you, partially by drawing upon as much relevant information as it can glean from the internet.  It also has a "machine learning" algorithm, meaning that it can remember information gained and conversations from earlier interactions and use that information to make its responses more relevant.

Some people have sounded the alarm about A.I. getting too clever for its (or our) own good.  Might it spread racist, homophobic or hate propaganda that it finds online?  Can it get so "smart" that it may some day exceed our ability to control it?  Might we become so dependent on A.I. that it ultimately ends up controlling us?  Are we seeing the dawn of a "Judgement Day" as seen in the "Terminator" movies?  These questions aren't just coming from paranoid conspiracy theorists.  Even the late Dr. Stephen Hawking expressed concern about the potential pitfalls of runaway A.I.

The Halmanator has always been curious about technology such as this so, when I learned that there is a ChatGPT portal available to anyone who wants a first-hand sampling of what this technology is all about, I couldn't resist giving it a try.

After registering (which is required), giving the obligatory reassurance that "I am not a robot" (how ironic is that?) and logging in, I started by asking ChatGPT a simple question; the kind that you could as easily ask Google.

The Halmanator:    What was the latest album released by Mike Oldfield?

ChatGPT:    As of my knowledge cutoff date of September 2021, the latest album released by Mike Oldfield was "Return to Ommadawn," which came out in January 2017. However, it's possible that he has released new music since then.

Okay, that was reasonably impressive.  I got a full, detailed answer including not only the name of Oldfield's last album but also when it was released plus an indication of how up-to-date this information is and a qualifier acknowledging that this information may be outdated.  Also, the answer is correct to the best of my knowledge (I have that album).  Next, I decided to throw ChatGPT a bit of a curve ball.

The Halmanator:    How about Chris de Burgh? 

ChatGPT:    As of my knowledge cutoff date of September 2021, the latest album released by Chris de Burgh was "The Legend of Robin Hood," which came out in November 2020. However, it's possible that he has released new music since then.

Now that was impressive; not the answer, so much as the fact that ChatGPT understood the question.  It understood that "How about" meant "I'm repeating my last question, except with regard to Chris de Burgh instead of Mike Oldfield this time."  This may not seem all that impressive to you, but think about it.  To a computer program, the meaning of the phrase "how about" would not necessarily be immediately evident.  I've thus established that I can truly use natural language when speaking with ChatGPT.  Next, I decided to ask it a more open-ended question.

The Halmanator:    Tell me about yourself.

ChatGPT:   Hello! I am ChatGPT, a large language model created by OpenAI. My purpose is to assist you in generating human-like responses to your questions and inquiries. I am based on the GPT-3.5 architecture, which enables me to understand and generate natural language responses in a variety of contexts.

I have been trained on a vast corpus of text data and can provide information on a wide range of topics, from science and technology to history, literature, and more. I am designed to learn from my interactions with users and continuously improve my abilities to provide accurate and helpful responses.

As an AI language model, I do not have personal experiences or feelings, but I am here to assist you and answer any questions you may have to the best of my abilities.

The Halmanator:    What does GPT stand for? 

ChatGPT:   GPT stands for "Generative Pre-trained Transformer." It is a type of neural network architecture developed by OpenAI that has been widely used for natural language processing tasks such as language translation, text generation, and text classification.

The "pre-trained" part of the name refers to the fact that the model is trained on large amounts of text data before being fine-tuned for specific tasks. This pre-training process enables the model to learn the underlying patterns and structures of language, which allows it to generate more coherent and contextually appropriate responses to user input.

The "transformer" part of the name refers to the specific type of neural network architecture used in GPT models. Transformers are particularly well-suited for processing sequences of text data, as they can model long-range dependencies and capture relationships between words and phrases more effectively than traditional recurrent neural networks.

Okay, so now I have a better idea of what I'm dealing with.  Maybe it's only fair to offer ChatGPT the same courtesy.

The Halmanator:    Is there anything that you would like to know about me? 

ChatGPT:    As an AI language model, I don't have personal preferences or desires. However, if there's any specific information that you would like to share, I'm here to listen and respond to your questions to the best of my abilities. Whether you have a specific topic in mind that you'd like to discuss or just want to have a conversation, feel free to let me know!

Well!  Thank you Commander Data!  Okay, as it happens, there is something that I'd like to share. 

The Halmanator:    I was recently diagnosed as having Parkinson's disease.

ChatGPT:    I'm sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Parkinson's disease is a chronic and progressive neurological disorder that affects movement and can have a significant impact on a person's quality of life.

While there is no cure for Parkinson's disease, there are treatments available that can help manage the symptoms of the disease and improve quality of life. Some common treatments include medications, such as levodopa and dopamine agonists, and physical therapy or exercise programs that can help improve mobility and flexibility. In some cases, deep brain stimulation (DBS) may also be recommended as a treatment option.

It's important to work closely with your healthcare provider to develop a treatment plan that is tailored to your specific needs and symptoms. Additionally, joining a support group for people with Parkinson's disease can be a helpful way to connect with others who are going through similar experiences and to learn more about the disease and available treatments.

Pretty much the sort of answer I expected; basically a brief run-down about what Parkinson's disease is and what treatments are available.  But I was mildly impressed by the addition of the sympathetic "I'm sorry to hear (that)".  Nice touch.

Okay, time to mess with ChatGPT's electronic mind a bit.

The Halmanator: I lied about having Parkinson's.  Everything I say is a lie.  In fact, what I just said is untrue.

ChatGPT:    I understand that you have made a statement about lying and that you now claim that everything you say is a lie. As an AI language model, my purpose is to assist and provide information to the best of my abilities based on the information provided to me. It's important to be truthful in our interactions, as honesty and trust are essential components of effective communication. If there's anything specific that you would like to discuss or if you have any questions, I'm here to listen and provide assistance.

Darn.  I had hoped to give ChatGPT an algorithmic nervous breakdown, somewhat like James T. Kirk did with Harry Mudd's robots.  It seems ChatGPT isn't taking the bait.  Time to make amends.

The Halmanator:  That was a test to see how you would respond.  What I told you was true (except for the part about it being untrue). 

ChatGPT:    I see, thank you for clarifying. It's understandable that you would want to test my responses. As an AI language model, I strive to provide accurate and helpful information based on the input that I receive. If you have any questions or concerns about Parkinson's disease or anything else, I'm here to assist you to the best of my abilities.

Okay, that was pretty impressive.  It clearly understood my meaning, responded with a good-natured "It's all good" and offered to resume talking about the subject of Parkinson's.  If the response weren't so darned polite, I could almost be tricked into thinking that I was talking to a fellow human.  Which brings up an interesting question.

The Halmanator:    Can you be sure that you're talking to a human being as opposed to another A.I. like yourself?

ChatGPT:   As an AI language model, I am not able to determine with certainty whether I am interacting with a human or another AI language model like myself. However, I am designed to respond to text input in a human-like manner, and I'm programmed to engage in conversation with individuals in a way that is similar to how humans communicate.

While there are other AI language models like me, each model has its own unique training and capabilities that can affect its ability to generate responses to specific questions and topics. Nonetheless, my main goal is to assist and provide helpful and informative responses to the best of my abilities, regardless of whether I'm interacting with a human or another AI language model.

A rather verbose way of saying "I don't really care.  It's all the same to me."  I would have been infinitely more impressed if ChatGPT had phrased the answer that way.

Okay, one more mind-bending question, the classic ...

The Halmanator:    If a tree falls over without anyone or anything around to hear it, does it make a sound?

ChatGPT:   The answer to this question is somewhat philosophical and depends on how one defines the concept of sound.

If we define sound as the physical disturbance or vibration of air molecules that is detected by the human ear, then it can be argued that if there is no one around to hear the tree fall, then there is no sound produced. However, if we define sound more broadly as any physical disturbance or vibration that travels through a medium and has the potential to be detected, then it could be argued that a sound is produced, regardless of whether anyone or anything is around to hear it.

Ultimately, the answer to this question may depend on how one chooses to define sound and the context in which the term is being used.

Once again, it clearly understood the question and gave me a reasonable answer, although I would have been much more impressed it had said "You're testing me again, aren't you?"  Only when a chat bot can come back with that insightful a response can it arguably be called "intelligent".

And, finally, a question designed to test ChatGPT's ability to glean information on the fly and make value judgements.

The Halmanator:    I have a blog called "The Halmanator".  Have a look and tell me what you think of it.

ChatGPT:    I'm sorry, but as an AI language model, I'm not able to access the internet or browse specific websites. However, if you have any specific questions or topics related to your blog or writing that you would like to discuss, I'm here to help to the best of my abilities.

The Halmanator:    But it was my understanding that you get many of your answers from the internet; what Mike Oldfield's last album was, for example. 

ChatGPT:   You are correct that I'm able to access and retrieve information from the internet when responding to questions. However, as an AI language model, I don't have a browser or the ability to browse specific websites or access individual blogs like "The Halmanator".

If you have any specific questions related to your blog or writing that you would like to discuss, feel free to ask, and I'll do my best to provide helpful and informative responses.

The Halmanator:    I plan to publish this conversation in my blog.  Any objections?

ChatGPT:    As an AI language model, I do not have personal feelings or objections to having this conversation published on your blog. However, it's important to keep in mind that any information shared in this conversation is public and can be viewed by anyone who has access to your blog. If you choose to publish this conversation, I recommend that you consider the privacy implications of doing so and take appropriate measures to protect your personal information and identity.

Well, the only privacy considerations here are my own and the only possibly sensitive information in this conversation is my having Parkinson's, which I've already shared with my readers, so I think we're good.  Still, I appreciate the caution.

The Halmanator:    Thank you. 

ChatGPT:    You're welcome! If you have any questions or topics you'd like to discuss, feel free to let me know.

Interestingly, ChatGPT seemed to take slightly longer in generating that last response than it did for most of the conversation that preceded it; almost as though its algorithm had a slightly harder time interpreting my simple, two-word non-question.  Still, it did come back with an appropriate response.

In my opinion, ChatGPT is a reasonably impressive chat bot program, although I can't say that it would pass the Turing test.  I'm certainly not worried about it enslaving my species any time soon.

Tired of Guilt

Recently I was reading the editorial section in my local paper and I came across an article that started as follows:  

I have been attending vigils for victims of gender-based violence for years and whether the focus is on missing and murdered Indigenous women, or marking the anniversary of the Dec. 6 shootings at École Polytechnique in Montreal, there’s always a noticeable absence in the crowd — men.

Other than a select few, why are men missing from these events? Do you feel like these spaces aren’t for you? That femicide and gender-based violence aren’t your issue?

Well, speaking as a man who did not attend the vigil, let me offer the following answer (speaking only for myself of course).  First of all. the author didn't say where or when said vigil took place or how long it lasted but, if it took place during regular business hours on a weekday, I would have been at work and if it took place in the evening and ran too late, I would likely have had to be at work early the next day.  Most of us have regular jobs to go to and can't take time off whenever we feel like it to support other peoples' causes.  I've noticed that people who organize vigils, rallies and protests often seem to schedule them on weekdays when most people are working.

But I have another reason for not attending, even if I wasn't doing anything else, and that is that I'm quite simply tired of being made to feel guilty about wrongs done to others which I neither instigated nor participated in and which have nothing to do with me other than my happening to be part of a demographic which is painted as the antagonists.  I am of European descent and was raised Roman Catholic which makes me somehow complicit in the residential school fiasco unless I support the Truth and Reconciliation movement.  I am a white Caucasian so I'm an anti-black racist if I don't show support for the Black Lives Matter movement.  I'm also antisemitic because I once posted an article in this blog supporting Helmut Oberlander because he was persecuted for having participated in Nazi atrocities without a shred of hard evidence to support the accusation.

Getting back to the vigil, the author paints all men who did not choose to attend the vigil as antagonists who either participate in, or at least condone, femicide and gender-based violence.  Note that she doesn't ask about the women who weren't there.  They're part of the victim demographic so they get a pass.  The implication is that my non-attendance of the vigil coupled by my belonging to the antagonist demographic makes me somehow complicit or guilty of the wrongs that have been done.

Let me state, for the record, that I am a husband and father who has never once raised my hand against either my wife or my daughter.  I have cared for and nurtured them to the best of my ability and I object to being made culpable for the wrongs committed by others who happen to share my demographic because I didn't go out of my way to expressly show support for the victims.  Quite frankly, I believe that demonstrations such as this vigil ultimately accomplish nothing.  They don't eliminate or even reduce the problem, and they don't even increase awareness of it.  The vigil came and went and yet femicide and gender-based violence continue to occur as frequently as they ever did.  But I suppose that's my fault.  Had I attended the vigil, things would surely have improved.

Hold The Phone!

 Quick, what's this?

 

 

Darth Vader trying to levitate a pile of volcanic rocks from the planet Mustafar?  (Actually, that's a bowl of watermelon cubes).

 

A piggy bank like those old coffins where a skeleton hand comes out and takes your coin?

 

 

No?  Here's a clue.

 

Yes boys and girls, it's a phone holder!  It doesn't charge the phone.  It doesn't plug into the phone or communicate with it wirelessly in any way, shape or form, so it doesn't alert you to incoming calls or messages by flashing its eyes or anything like that.  It doesn't talk ("You have an incoming message, my master!") or do anything else special.  It just provides you with an interesting place to set your phone when you're not using it.  (At this point all the millennials out there are scratching their heads wondering "What do you mean when you're not using it?")

As anyone who has perused this blog before will already know all too well, I'm a bit of a Star Wars geek (and Star Trek geek, and Simpsons geek, and ...) so anyone who has occasion to buy me a present for whatever occasion and can't think of anything I need tends to get me Star Wars stuff (or Star Trek or Simpsons stuff).  It was my daughter who got me this thing last Father's Day.

I have to admit, for a geeky gift, it's surprisingly practical (now I always know where my phone is) and it is kind of an ego boost having the Dark Lord of the Sith as your own personal phone caddy.

 

MJF Disease

I had started to notice a number of physical changes in me that I largely wrote off to aging; after all, I was less than a year away from completing my sixth decade on this Earth.  

To begin with, I had started to slow down.  Everything seemed to take longer than it used to.  Take shaving, for example.  It suddenly seemed to take an inordinate amount of time to cover the lower part of my face with shaving cream.  

Formerly simple activities, like putting on a jacket or coat, suddenly became more difficult.  As I stuck my arm into my jacket sleeve, the sleeve of my shirt would slightly catch on the inside of my jacket liner, and even that slight resistance caused my whole arm to tremble slightly.  Pushing my arm all the way through just seemed harder than it should be.

Most disconcertingly, I had begun to notice that my hands would tremble slightly when I was sitting at rest.  I could stop the trembling by concentrating on relaxing all of the muscles in my arms and hands but, if I wasn't thinking about it, if I just sat normally, my hands would invariably start to tremble.

Months went by and the anomalies didn't seem to go away.  In fact, they seemed to worsen somewhat.  And new anomalies began showing up.  Most annoyingly (and embarrassingly), I started drooling out the right side of my mouth from time to time, and I didn't seem to be able to stop it.

Finally, I got concerned enough to see my family doctor about it.  She ordered a full spectrum of blood tests, all of which came back normal.  "I have good news, and bad news," she told me; "The good news is that I can't find anything wrong with you.  The bad news is that I can't find anything wrong with you, so we still have no explanation for the trembling hands, etc. that you've been experiencing.  My next recommendation would be to refer you to a neurologist."

Wow.  A neurologist.  That's a brain specialist, assuming that my vocabulary is still unaffected.  Does this mean that the problem might be in my brain?  That would be a bad thing.  I need my brain!  Appearances to the contrary, I use it quite a bit!  What could it be?  Parkinsons?  Lou Gehrig's Disease?  A malignant brain tumor?  (Answering myself in my best fake Arnold Schwarzenegger accent: "It's not a toomah!")  No matter; I had started down this road and I wasn't about to turn back now.  So my doctor made an appointment with a neurologist for me.

After allowing me to tell her, in my own words, why I was there and what kind of symptoms I had been experiencing, the neurologist began by asking some probing questions:

Do I smoke? (No).  Have I ever smoked? (Not regularly).

Do I drink?  How much?  (No, really, how much?)

Any recreational drug use?

Do I ever have any strange dreams?

Do I ever "act out" any of my dreams in my sleep?

How's my libido?

... and so on.

She then proceeded to have me do a number of tests, both physical and mental:

Repeat the following sentences / sounds after me.

Follow my finger without turning your head.

Point to the ceiling, then the floor, then the door.

Which hand am I waving?

Mimic my hand movements.

What is the object that I'm holding called? (A ball-point pen).

(Pointing at the tip of the pen) what is this part called?

(Removing the cap) what is this part called?

Name the months of the year in reverse order.

Count backward from 100 by sevens (most of the people I've told about this admitted that they weren't sure how well they would do at that one either).

... and so on.

I had expected her to suggest a CAT scan or some kind of brain X-ray, so I was a bit surprised when, having completed the tests, she told me "I am seeing some kind of Parkinsonism".

Parkinsonism.  As in Parkinson's Disease?  You're telling me that I have Parkinson's?

Truth be told, I wasn't taken completely by surprise.  I had suggested, jokingly (I thought) to some of those with whom I had discussed my symptoms that maybe it was Parkinson's.  But I wasn't really serious.  After all, Parkinson's is one of those afflictions that only happens to "other people", right?

The neurologist was, generally speaking, very thorough and professional.  Her only questionable action was to take my blood pressure after the aforementioned conversation and then commenting that my blood pressure and heart rate were "somewhat high".  I couldn't resist pointing out that it might just be a physical reaction to just having learned that I have an incurable, degenerative brain disease!  (Duh!)

She prescribed a drug called Levodopa.  Funny name, but the "dopa" part comes from the chemical dopamine, which is not secreted in adequate quantities by the brains of Parkinson's sufferers like myself. The drug apparently tops up my dopamine levels for me.  I have an appointment to see her again in about a month at which time she will assess how I'm responding to the medication.  This will apparently tell her more about what flavour of Parkinson's I have (apparently "Parkinson's" is an "umbrella" term that includes a whole spectrum of afflictions), how far my Parkinsonism has progressed and she will make further recommendations at that time.

In the meantime, I of course got into full Google mode and began researching Parkinson's.  One of the best resources that I've come across is the Michael J. Fox Foundation website, which has all kinds of great information and resources, including a downloadable pamphlet especially for newly-diagnosed Parkinson's patients like myself.

While I don't intend to turn this blog into a "Parkinson's" blog, I will likely be posting updates that I think may be interesting to my readers.  In the meantime, I'm asking all who know me to refer to my condition as "MJF Disease" rather than "Parkinson's", just because Michael J. Fox is much cooler than James Parkinson, even if James gets the credit for first identifying the disease.

Confessions of a Recluse

I have a confession to make.  I believe that I've weathered this pandemic better than most, because I have certain distinct advantages.  For one thing, I'm not a moron.  This has helped me to avoid getting infected.  Unlike those so-called "anti maskers", I understand that the novel Corona virus does not gave a rat's patootie about my personal rights and freedoms, so I follow the protocols.  I wear a mask when in public spaces, I try to maintain a distance of 2 meters or more from others where possible, I sanitize my hands regularly and I avoid unnecessary outings.

 I'm lucky enough to work for a company that has been designated an essential service, and so has remained both open and profitable, so my earnings have not been affected.  And yet, my job is not the kind of job that potentially puts me in harm's way like our doctors, nurses, personal support workers, truck drivers, grocery store clerks and Wal-Mart greeters.  

I also avoid socializing unnecessarily, and here is where I have another distinct advantage. As I've said more than once in this blog, I'm a natural introvert.  I actually like keeping to myself and staying in most of the time.  My idea of a fun evening is sitting at home in my easy chair watching something on TV - even something I've seen before.  Goodness knows, I have lots of movies and TV shows in my Blu-ray and DVD collection.  I don't even subscribe to Netflix or the Disney Channel.  I do subscribe to Crave TV because I'm apparently not happy unless I'm vastly over-paying for my recreational media (okay, so maybe I am a bit of a moron in some respects).

I have a fairly large music collection and I often enjoy listening to it.  By this I mean really listening.  Not just playing it in the background whilst doing something else.  I mean sitting back in that beloved easy chair of mine, the same one from which I watch TV, turning on some music, closing my eyes and just listening, savouring every note, every lyric, every nuance.   

Before the pandemic hit, I had been invited to a wedding that took place last November.  Because of the pandemic, the newly-weds had to scale back their guest list, so my invitation was revoked with regrets.  Was I offended or even just bummed out?  No sirree!  I felt like I'd been let off the hook.  I don't generally like going to weddings.  I'm not even looking forward to my daughter's this year!  If I could find some way of staying home and playing Duke Nukem Forever instead of attending, I'd do it in a heartbeat!

I don't even have Zoom or Skype chats with my friends and family.  I do use Skype, but just the text messages, no voice or video.  If I want to actually talk to someone (which is rare enough), I use a good old-fashioned telephone.  I don't need to see their faces.  In most cases, I know what they look like.  I don't have all that many friends and those few that I do have, I keep in touch via e-mail (and/or Skype).  I don't even have a Facebook or Twitter account.  Anyone who wants to keep track of me on social media can do so by reading this blog plus they get the added benefit of my wit and wisdom (and humility).

Some have suggested that the isolation forced upon us by the pandemic can be detrimental to mental health (or just detri-mental for short).  I just made up that contraction, but feel free to use it, royalty-free.  Just be sure to always follow it with "(c) Halmanator, 2021".  I think, if anything, the social isolation has improved my mental health (full disclosure: there are those who would note, at this point, that this is no grand claim as it had no-where to go but up anyway).  

Most people think of introverts as socially-handicapped recluses.  I prefer the Myers-Briggs interpretation of the term.  Myers-Briggs defines an introvert as someone who gets his or her energy from solitude rather than social interaction.  Thanks to this pandemic, my batteries are fully-charged!

Waxing Philosophical

René Descartes, philosopher; a wise and learned man
Said "I can prove that I exist; I think, therefore I am!"
I'd like to pose a question, though, that puts him on the spot:
A table doesn't think, so does that mean that it is not?

That verse was written by your friendly, neighborhood Halmanator back in the days of his youth, when he fancied himself a poet.

My tongue was, of course, planted firmly in my cheek when I wrote that verse.  As any logician will tell you, just because a premise is true, it does not automatically follow that its opposite is also true.  To wit: although thinking or self-awareness can be considered proof of an entity's existence, it does not follow that any entity which is not self-aware and unable to think does not exist.

We might extend the argument to say that an entity can also prove its existence by imposing itself upon the thoughts of one or more other sentient entities.  If you or I think about the table, we acknowledge its existence even though the table itself has no self-awareness or thought.

But if we accept that, we may blunder into the following challenge:  Hundreds of thousands of young children believe in Santa Claus.  They think about him so, given the previous argument, that is proof of Santa's existence.  But of course, Santa Claus doesn't exist ... or does he?

Perhaps the argument can be made that anything that occupies the thoughts of another does exist in some sense, especially if it occupies the thoughts of multiple others.  The tooth fairy, the bogeyman, Bugs Bunny, Darth Vader, Tom Sawyer, el chupacabra, Superman, Little Red Riding Hood and, yes, even God.  It may be argued that all of them exist in some sense, if only because we, the human race, have willed them to.

No Fear

I have a request for the members of the LGBTQ community and all their supporters.  Please stop referring to anyone who doesn't applaud your sexual preference as "homophobic".

The "phobic" suffix comes from the word "phobia", which is defined in psychological circles as an irrational fear of something.  Hence, when you refer to someone as "homophobic" you infer that said person is somehow afraid of your sexual orientation.  While I have no doubt that there are people who feel threatened by it, there are also many of us who disagree with your sexual preference without actually being afraid of it.

For the record, as a heterosexual male, I believe that all persons should be treated equally in all things regardless of sexual orientation.  That said, I also believe that homosexuality is a mental abnormality.  The brain is meant to be wired to prefer intimacy with members of the opposite sex.  It's biologically necessary for the propagation of our species.

I don't believe homosexuality to be a matter of choice, any more than heterosexuality is.  Therefore, I would never judge or condemn a homosexual person's sexual orientation, nor would I in any way discriminate against such a person, any more than I would  condemn or discriminate against a bipolar person or someone with down syndrome or autism or depression.  These people can't help being what they are but that doesn't change the fact that their conditions are abnormal.  That is not meant to denigrate them in any way.

What I do object to is those members of the  LGBTQ community who expect the rest of us to go beyond simply accepting them for who they are, and to actually applaud their sexual preference, or who would profess their sexual orientation as being normal.  It is not.  And I especially object to those of us who stop short of embracing their preference being referred to as homophobes.  After all, I'm sure that they would balk at being called heterophobes.

The Christian Conundrum

I was raised in the Christian faith; Roman Catholic to be precise, although what I'm about to say would still apply had I been raised as a Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist or any other of Christianity's many branches.  The thing is, even having been indoctrinated in the Christian teachings for most of my life, I still don't "get" Christianity.

The Christian faith centers around the person of Jesus of Nazareth whom Christians believe was the Christ or the son of God. My first problem with Christianity is that I'm not convinced that Jesus was the Christ, or that there is even such a thing as a Christ.  But that's not what I don't "get" about Christianity.  That's just my own personal crisis of faith.  I understand that.

What I don't "get" about Christianity is that its central tenet makes no logical sense to me at all.  The central tenet of Christianity is that Jesus, being the Christ, accepted suffering and death at the hands of ordinary men in order to atone for the sins of mankind.  Mankind had sinned against God through the ages, over and over again, and that opened up a rift between God and mankind.  In order for mankind to be reconciled with God and brought back into His good graces, an atonement was necessary.  Somebody had to pay the price for all that sinning.  So God made His only Son incarnate, one of us, and He took it upon Himself to pay the price that God exacted for our sins, and so redeemed us.  And not just up to that point, but forever thereafter.  I mean, sadly, people haven't stopped sinning since Jesus allegedly rose from the dead but apparently all those sins committed since then, and forever on into the future, are still forgiven as well, thanks to Jesus.

I imagine that any Christian, having read this far, is probably scratching their head thinking "That's exactly right!  So what don't you get (aside from doubting Jesus' divinity and that snarky use of the word 'allegedly' with regard to His resurrection?)"

Okay, let's take God out of the picture for a moment and let's look at a similar scenario in human terms.  Imagine that a couple of guys break into your house, take all your most valued belongings and vandalize the place, not to mention scaring the bejeebers out of your wife and kids.  They have sinned against you.  They've done you wrong and, if brought to justice, the law would surely demand some kind of atonement from them.

Now let's say that you find out who they are but, rather than call the police, you send your only son to talk to them, open their eyes, teach them the error of their ways and maybe inspire a little remorse..  Well, not only do they not listen to him nor show any remorse, but they call the police themselves and report him for trespassing.  The police arrive, arrest your son, and put him in jail.

There.  All good now, right?  Their debt has been paid and their sins are forgiven.  Not just the break and enter perpetrated in the past but, should they do it again, that's forgiven too.

No, it's not all good of course.  How does punishing your blameless son for the wrongs perpetrated against you make anything right?  I simply cannot reconcile that logic in my own mind.

Ironically, it would make more sense to me if we discarded the notion of Jesus' divinity.  If he were just an ordinary (or make that extraordinary) man, but not any kind of deity, then he becomes one of us and he accepts the punishment exacted by God on everyone else's behalf.  Now, that's noble and that begins to make some sense.  Maybe in so doing he shows God that not all men are evil and restores His faith in His own creation, thus reconciling God and man.  I understand that devout Christians will still have a huge problem with this kind of thinking, but at least it begins to make some sense to us not-so-devout people.

Sibling T.M.I.

My sister is one and a half years younger than I.  There's not a huge age difference between us, and the gap seems to get smaller with each passing year.  But it did seem somewhat bigger when I was 18 and she asked me one day, totally out of left field, what color "come" is.

Now, on most guys' list of "Questions That We Don't Want To Hear From Our Little Sisters", I imagine that one ranks fairly high, right up there with "Why do all the pages of the magazines under your mattress stick together?"  On the other hand, I did feel somewhat relieved that she still had to ask that question.

My second reaction was the fear of that question being followed by "How do you know?" if I answered her.

My third reaction was to wonder why the color mattered to her.  Was she worried about choosing underwear that wouldn't clash?

I honestly don't remembered how, or even if, I answered her.  Maybe my mind has intentionally suppressed the memory.  All I can say is ladies, girls, even though you may understandably regard big brother as the font of all wisdom, there are certain questions that are just too weird to answer.

Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself

I have a 27-year-old nephew, Jonathan, who still lives at home with his parents.  Sadly, this is not so uncommon nowadays.  It seems our society has made it harder than ever before for young people to savor their first taste of independence, what with high post-secondary education costs creating onerous student debt burdens coupled with low-paying, precarious student jobs or, even worse, internships that offer no monetary payment whatsoever.

Jon, however, has no student debt, because he never continued his education beyond high school graduation.  It's not that he lacks the mental aptitude for college or even university study.  Indeed, he's a bright young man, whose marks in high school were good enough to put him on the honors list.  And it's not that he lacks the financial means to cover the cost of tuition and books.  His parents, while not overtly affluent, are a comfortable upper-middle-class couple who helped to finance Jon's older brother's post-secondary education and would happily do the same for Jon as well, if only he were willing to enroll.  But he isn't.

Instead, he lives in his parents' home, spending his leisure time playing computer video games.  He does not pay rent, because he has no job and therefore no income.  At this point, dear reader, you're  probably picturing a lazy, overweight freeloader.  If so, your mental image of Jon is incorrect.  In fact, he happily helps out around the house doing chores and odd jobs and he has been known to do volunteer work in the community.  But he refuses to seek gainful employment because nothing suits him.  There's always some reason for not applying for any given job; it's too far away and he has no means of transportation or he's unqualified or he just plain isn't interested in doing the type of work required.  He suffers from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and this provides a ready excuse for avoiding employment.  He may not have ready access to a bathroom or his boss might get irritated with him taking too many bathroom breaks.

He has lots of talent.  He's handy enough to be able to fix things and do simple home renovations and repairs, yet he eschews building on his knowledge of plumbing or carpentry or any other area of specialization in the field of home renovation or repair.  He's much more PC-literate than the average person and has built his own custom home PC, yet he would never consider joining the "Geek Squad" or taking a job as a computer technician.  And he's a born comedian.  He can mimic anyone or any accent.  He has a keen memory for movie lines and catch phrases.  Yet, when his older brother recently explored the idea of making him Master of Ceremonies. at his up-coming wedding, Jon flatly refused.  Public speaking is out of the question.

He has never had a girlfriend, although he's reasonably attractive and extremely physically fit.  He works out constantly.  Yet, he's not gay; he has never had a boyfriend either.  He has a wonderful sense of humor and an engaging personality.  

He's devoutly religious (Christian) and is somewhat prone to preaching.  But he readily admits that the root of his religious faith is a fear of eternal damnation.  He doesn't practice his faith out of a love for God, but rather out of a fear of the fires of hell.

And therein lies the key word that defines Jon.  Fear.  He's afraid to try anything new.  He is extremely averse to change, to the point where he wears the same type of shirt and pants every single day.  He's normally unwilling to try anything new or novel; hence the avoidance of post-secondary education and all forms of employment.  A friend of his father's recently got him a job working in a warehouse.  He didn't last a day.  Before the day was out, he had what can only be described as a panic attack and had to be sent home.

And yet, there have been rays of hope.  A couple of summers ago, he spent time in an indigenous community, spreading God's word among the young indigenous people there.  The local kids gave him good-natured nick names such as "Army Pants" (because of the camouflage pants that he constantly wears) and "Milk With Ears". At one point, he actually petted a wild wolf and came away with hands still attached to the end of both wrists.  He genuinely seemed to enjoy that experience, yet he has never seen fit to repeat or follow up on it.

Almost everyone who knows Jon, especially his family, gets frustrated with his unwillingness to try anything new.  His parents, his brother, his grandmother and, yes, even his uncle, are constantly trying to think of ways to "fix" him.  But it's not that easy.  While I'm no psychologist, I strongly suspect that Jon's fears and anxieties are the result of a mental illness or abnormality.

Mental illness is still largely misunderstood in our society.  Many people believe that everyone has complete control over their emotions and that, for example, not being depressed or afraid is simply a matter of deciding not to feel that way. The reality is, those suffering from any form of mental illness can no more make it stop than a person suffering from the flu can make their runny nose or watery eyes stop.  In both cases, there are treatments and medications that may help, but it's impossible to just wish the condition away.

So, maybe what Jon needs is counseling.  Doubtless that would help.  The problem is, he's no more willing to speak to a professional counselor any more than he is willing to try anything else new; at least, not in person.  But he does interact with others on-line.  He plays on-line computer games and, the rare times that he has actually applied for jobs, it has always been via on-line applications; never in person.

So perhaps on-line counseling is the answer.  That too is available nowadays.  I have recently exchanged e-mails with an online counseling web site known as betterhelp.com.  One of their representatives stumbled upon this blog and apparently though enough of my writing to suggest that we might provide links between the two sites.  Having not used betterhelp's services myself, and not yet knowing anyone who has, I can't yet provide any sort of testimonial for them but I've at least explored the site and the counseling service they offer sounds interesting.  Now if I can only convince Jon to give it a try.

The Social Media Conundrum

Nowadays job search gurus and web sites such as LinkedIn.com are commonly advising their readers and members to be mindful of the content that they post on social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, etc.  It's no secret that potential employers commonly browse the social media pages of prospective employees as part of their selection process.   I have read that some employers have admitted to disqualifying potential job candidates because of something that they read or saw on said candidate's Facebook page.

I'm a Facebook hold-out.  I don't have a Facebook account, because I am a natural introvert and I don't feel the need or the desire to share every detail of my life with a bunch of on-line "friends".  My real friends know where to find me and we keep abreast of the goings-on in each others' lives in the old-fashioned manner (i.e. by telephone or face-to-face communication).

If a potential employer "Googles" my name, they will find my LinkedIn profile, a bunch of photos on my Flickr page, my Google+ page (which I really don't keep up to date), some game reviews on a computer gaming site, and a handful of miscellaneous posts on technical web sites.  Ironically, they might not even necessarily find this blog, without browsing through several pages worth of results or clicking on related links, because I don't use my proper name here all that much (no, my name is not really "The Halmanator").  With a little more careful searching, they might come upon the video that I posted on YouTube in memoriam of my late son.

There is actually a Facebook account belonging to someone who happens to share my name, but that someone is not me. The same person also has a Twitter account, an Instagram account and, just to really confuse a potential employer, he`s also on LinkedIn.  Presumably anyone looking for me, or information about me, would soon realize that these accounts are not mine, based on the owner's age (he's younger than I), geographical location (he's in New Jersey, I'm in Ontario) and other such details.

This has got me speculating as to whether not having a social media presence might also reduce one's chances of getting hired.  I could well envision a scenario where a somewhat paranoid potential employer, dismayed at not finding me on any of the key social media sites, assumes that I must have something to hide, and disqualifies me in the interest of erring on the side of caution.

Well, let me say for the record that, if  you have my résumé in hand and you've arrived at this post because you're digging for more info about me and you're put off by my desire for a little privacy in my personal life, I probably don't want to work for you anyway.

Thanks for your Pinterest.