Sunday, September 11, 2016

Canadian Values

Conservative MP Kellie Leitch drew wide-spread criticism from political circles, including her own party, when she suggested recently that potential Canadian immigrants should be screened for "anti-Canadian" values before being accepted.  However, as recently reported in The Record, about two-thirds of Canadians seem to share Ms. Leitch's views, according to an even more recent Forum Research poll.

This begs the question, exactly what are "anti-Canadian" values?  For that matter, what are Canadian values?  Who gets to decide?  The Halmanator, that's who!  Having lived in this country since the tender age of three and having grown up here, I think I have a pretty good handle on what it means to be Canadian.  Since such a majority of people appear to favour some sort of screening, and being a patriotic and civic-minded citizen, I have taken it upon myself to get the ball rolling, so to speak, and design the following questionnaire, intended to weed out those of an un-Canadian mindset.  For each of the following questions, respond with a number between 1 and 5, 1 meaning that you strongly disagree and 5 meaning that you strongly agree:

  1. I enjoy watching hockey.

  2. I enjoy watching the Toronto Maple Leafs lose at play hockey.

  3. I pledge my undying fealty to Tim Horton Donuts, regardless of how mediocre and over-priced their food may be.

  4. I buy my breakfast at Tim Horton's because I am incapable of toasting and buttering a bagel at home.

  5. Curling is a riveting spectator sport.

  6. I like to garnish my French fries with
    a) Hummus
    b) Ketchup
    c) Vinegar
    d) Gravy
    e) Gravy with cheese curds

  7. I don't know whether to "strongly agree" or "strongly disagree" with the previous question, as it was more of a multiple choice.

  8. I am sorry for pointing out that Question 6 doesn't fit the format of this questionnaire.

  9. I seek affirmation at the end of every statement that I make, eh?

  10. I am polite.  Always.  To everyone.  Even Americans.

  11. The most important attribute for a national leader is good hair.
    (Note: This question also appeared in the anti-American values screening test ... until recently)

  12. I own every album ever released by:
    a) Neil Young
    b) "Stompin' Tom" Connors
    c) Joni Mitchell
    d) Gordon Lightfoot
    e) All Of The Above

  13. I do not own any records or CDs having left them behind in Syria after they were blown up, along with my house, but, should I be accepted into Canada,  I promise to acquire every album ever released by 12e (above) at the earliest possible opportunity.

  14. I know the entire lyrics to "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" by heart.

  15. "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" is an appropriate song to play as the father-daughter dance at weddings.

  16. Logs are useful for:
    a) Making telephone poles
    b) Sitting on when there are no benches available
    c) Making fires
    d) Making paper
    e) Transportation along rivers

  17. This questionnaire is flawed because it doesn't include both English and French text.
    Ce questionnaire est viciée parce qu'elle ne comprend pas l'anglais et le texte français.

  18. The term "American beer" is an oxymoron.

  19. A sixteen-hour wait is not unreasonable in a hospital emergency ward.

  20. Plaid goes with everything.
Scoring: For every question, the number of points you get is the number with which you responded.  For the multiple choice questions, score 1 to 5 for answers a through e respectively.  Add up your points:

20 -   50: Take off you Daesh terrorist swine!  We don't like your kind, eh?  Just sayin'.
51 -   79: Have you considered immigrating to the U.S.?
80 - 100: Welcome aboard eh?  Have a cold one!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

... my smile for the day. Thanks Andy.