Tired of Guilt

Recently I was reading the editorial section in my local paper and I came across an article that started as follows:  

I have been attending vigils for victims of gender-based violence for years and whether the focus is on missing and murdered Indigenous women, or marking the anniversary of the Dec. 6 shootings at École Polytechnique in Montreal, there’s always a noticeable absence in the crowd — men.

Other than a select few, why are men missing from these events? Do you feel like these spaces aren’t for you? That femicide and gender-based violence aren’t your issue?

Well, speaking as a man who did not attend the vigil, let me offer the following answer (speaking only for myself of course).  First of all. the author didn't say where or when said vigil took place or how long it lasted but, if it took place during regular business hours on a weekday, I would have been at work and if it took place in the evening and ran too late, I would likely have had to be at work early the next day.  Most of us have regular jobs to go to and can't take time off whenever we feel like it to support other peoples' causes.  I've noticed that people who organize vigils, rallies and protests often seem to schedule them on weekdays when most people are working.

But I have another reason for not attending, even if I wasn't doing anything else, and that is that I'm quite simply tired of being made to feel guilty about wrongs done to others which I neither instigated nor participated in and which have nothing to do with me other than my happening to be part of a demographic which is painted as the antagonists.  I am of European descent and was raised Roman Catholic which makes me somehow complicit in the residential school fiasco unless I support the Truth and Reconciliation movement.  I am a white Caucasian so I'm an anti-black racist if I don't show support for the Black Lives Matter movement.  I'm also antisemitic because I once posted an article in this blog supporting Helmut Oberlander because he was persecuted for having participated in Nazi atrocities without a shred of hard evidence to support the accusation.

Getting back to the vigil, the author paints all men who did not choose to attend the vigil as antagonists who either participate in, or at least condone, femicide and gender-based violence.  Note that she doesn't ask about the women who weren't there.  They're part of the victim demographic so they get a pass.  The implication is that my non-attendance of the vigil coupled by my belonging to the antagonist demographic makes me somehow complicit or guilty of the wrongs that have been done.

Let me state, for the record, that I am a husband and father who has never once raised my hand against either my wife or my daughter.  I have cared for and nurtured them to the best of my ability and I object to being made culpable for the wrongs committed by others who happen to share my demographic because I didn't go out of my way to expressly show support for the victims.  Quite frankly, I believe that demonstrations such as this vigil ultimately accomplish nothing.  They don't eliminate or even reduce the problem, and they don't even increase awareness of it.  The vigil came and went and yet femicide and gender-based violence continue to occur as frequently as they ever did.  But I suppose that's my fault.  Had I attended the vigil, things would surely have improved.