These partial lyrics from "Heterosexual Man" by The Odds must serve as my sordid confession to the world. I'm straight. That's right, I'm attracted to members of the opposite sex. I don't drink zinfandel, I couldn't coordinate a room to save my life and I don't own a single pastel-colored shirt. I've never seen "Brokeback Mountain", nor am I inclined to see it because, frankly, the idea of two cowboys playing "Buck the Bronco" makes me more than just a tad queasy.
I understand that our society has become much more accepting of alternative lifestyles. I accept that my Neanderthal attitudes toward sexuality have no place in these enlightened times. I can only conclude that there's something seriously wrong with me.
I have tried to see it from the other side; to walk a mile in their slippers, as it were. I've spent hour after hour watching The W Network, I've tried wearing AussieBum briefs. I've even purchased several issues of Ty Pennington At Home for godsake! But for all my efforts, I can't deny that I still prefer bouncing breasts over pulsating pecs, soft, full lips over chiseled chins, slender waists and ample hips over washboard abs.
Until now, I've maintained a convincing facade, mind you. Take this "buddy picture" that my best friend, Mart, and I posed for several years back. You have to admit, we certainly look convincingly gay! I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone who has read this blog in the past about the indiscreet moment between my boss and myself that I included in my recent Deadwood Society post. However, closer examination will reveal just how uncomfortable I looked with his affectionate overtures.
Going back even further, there's this picture of myself in my "Project People" disco getup. Sure, the truth of the matter is that it simply happened to be the costume used by the group at the time, but I look like I actually like it, don't I? Ah, but I'm afraid it was all for show.
Gays and the gay movement have had a significant impact on our society. Some of our most respected performers and artists are (or were) openly gay, or at least bi. Just look at Elton John (sorry - "Sir" Elton John), Clay Aiken, Freddy Mercury, Cole Porter and even Leonardo Da Vinci, to name but a few. Television programs such as "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" help the fashion-challenged such as myself. Movies such as "The Crying Game" or the aforementioned "Brokeback Mountain", which won three Oscars and was nominated for five more, bring the gay lifestyle out of the shadows of the closet and into the limelight. Homosexual couples are now getting married in record numbers, even as heterosexual couples increasingly forego the nuptial formalities and simply live common law. Heck, the Gay Pride movement even sports its very own rainbow-colored fag - I mean flag!
Everywhere I look, I see unmistakable evidence that gay's the way. Queer is here. Yet, even as I see the light, I cannot change my ways. Like the Village People once said,
I am what I am
And what I'll be, I'll be
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